Love Yourself

credits to : https://lovequeensized.com/2019/02/06/5-ways-to-practice-self-love/

I hate myself too. I have flaws and insecurities. I am stupid, dumb and pathetic. I am drowning in so much pain and sufferings. Somewhat I feel like hanging myself or cutting these arms of mine will stop all of this. We live in a world where every day is such a battle, where there’s no room for weaknesses, where fame and fortune are the basis of one’s humanity and where there’s too little room for love. If every individual feel such ache, suicide will surely invade their fragile minds as suicide is truly a wrong choice for it only infuse more problems not only to you but also to those people around you.

Tell me all the hateful words, judgements, curses and even the slightest opinions you’ve heard because they’ve already thrown all of this at me. This leads me to where I am now, a hopeless and inescapable place. Let me tell you how I went down the wrong way. Phase one seems to be not that serious. It all starts with a simple anxious sensation a feeling of uncomfortability and sometimes distress. Second phase, I begin to take people’s stares and murmurs seriously. I feel like every attention is drawn into me, causing my head to spin and my chest suddenly tightens. Third phase I begin to deprive myself from other people, no socializing, no communication and no connection even to my closest friends and family. My only thought was to be alone. Fourth phase, I heard different voices inside my head. They are the ones encouraging me to end it, my life as well as this pain and sufferings. Last phase has now reached me. I am now feeling the urge to end my life. I am thinking of just hanging myself to the ceiling or even lashing my wrist out of this arm would be less painful than I thought it was.

The sunlight strikes my skin intensely. I feel like I just woke up in such nightmare. But then the harsh reality hit me hard. As my eyes slowly opened, I saw myself laying on a hospital bed with a dextrose connected inside my hand. My parents immediately walk towards me crying as if I just woke up from a coma. Days passed and everything seems to be normal, well totally not. My parents encourage me to talk therapies and its quite emotionally attacking. Since I attempted that suicide, everything is not the same. I realized that it just cause more problems to me. I never felt this terrified in my whole life, terrified on the thought that I have the strength to do such thing before but I truly cannot do it. My whole body trembles in fear just imagining how dark and traumatizing that incident was. The way I look at myself now, I feel wasted both outer and inner parts of me. During my first few days since that incident, I feel such symptoms commonly health-related like headaches, dizziness and I always feel like I’m going to pass out. I also feel like I lost my trust to other people as well as to myself. I also realized how one of my nightmares became a reality. People talk about the incident specifically me.

I also realized what a huge mess I created. My action doesn’t only affect me but also the people around me. My parents seems to be happy and supportive to me but I know beyond those eyes are fear. I just don’t know if they are afraid of losing me of just simply afraid of me. Since that incident, I really don’t know what to believe, whether they’re warm love or they’re cold feet upon me, both of these are the consequences of my actions. My parents also have this uneasy feeling whenever I’m around. My friends keep on texting and calling me non-stop and I really felt sorry for stressing them and making them worry about my condition. Even my teachers, our principal and almost all the students from my school seem to be curious about what happened to me.

After all of these experiences I can truly say that suicide is not an option to escape reality. It can just poison your mind, leaving you more wounded than before and affecting all the people you love. I can also share that attempting suicide is harder than we imagine and see from movies and TV series. Being at that moment is really painful. I don’t know what to pursue, me ending all of my sufferings or my urge to keep me alive despite all of this. I want people to also realize that suicidal person is not the one to blame for all his actions. First of all you don’t know what their mindset is and second you will not relate on how agonizing their pain is. The only problem I have to deal with is how I can bring back the cheerful and energetic me. I also want people to trust me again and for myself as well. I know I am not fully recovered with what I have done to myself, but one thing I realized is that suicide is not the bravest thing you’ll ever do but continuing to live is. With all the support and love from all the people that surrounds me, I can finally say that “I love myself too”.